These are taken from REAL resumes and cover letters and were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine: 1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience." 2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms." 3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year." 4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions." 5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave." 6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades." 7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people." 8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience." 9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time." 10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details." 11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move." 12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments." 13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse." 14. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail." 15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing." 16. "My goal is to be a meterologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage." 17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant." 18. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far." 19. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments." 20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store." 21. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job." 22. "Marital status: often. Children: various." 23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions." 24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers. 25. "Finished eighth in my class of ten." 26. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me." These quotes were taken from actual performance evaluations. 1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." 2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity." 3. "I would not allow this employee to breed." 4. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be." 5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." 6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there." 7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." 8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy." 9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." 10."This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." 11."This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better." These are actual lines from Military Performance Appraisals: (OFFICER EFFICIENCY REPORTS). 1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. 2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching. 3. A room temperature IQ. 4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together. 5. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. 6. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. 7. A prime candidate for natural deselection. 8. Bright as Alaska in December. 9. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests. 10. Donated his body to science before he was done using it. 11. Fell out of the family tree. 12. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. 13. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it. 14. He's so dense, light bends around him. 15. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate. 16. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 17. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change. 18. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. 19. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm. 20. One neuron short of a synapse. 21. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled. 22. Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes. 23. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead. bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. "Things don't look good." The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves." "Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives. "For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000." Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?" "A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they have actually been used." ccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc There's only one thing that keeps me from being happily married - my spouse! Q. Why did God make man before woman? A. You need a rough draft before you have a final copy. ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd HMO MEMO TO ALL HOSPITAL STAFF: To: All Hospital Staff From: Administration/Groundskeeping Subject: New Cost Cutting Measures Effective immediately, this hospital will no longer provide security. Each charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided for patrolling the parking areas. In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over the security surveillance duties. The ward clerk will be responsible for watching cardiac monitors and security monitors as well as regular duties. Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need to let their families know to bring something or may make arrangements with Subway or Pizza Hut to deliver. Coin-operated telephones will be available in patient rooms for this purpose as well as for other calls the patient may wish to make. Housekeeping and Physical Therapy will be combined. Mops will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range of motion exercises as well as a clean environment. Families and ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean the rooms of non-ambulatory patients for special discounts on their final bill. Time cards will be provided. As you can see on the "from" line above, hospital administration is assuming the groundskeeping duties. If an administrator cannot be reached by calling his/her office, it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawnmower, weed-whacker, etc. Maintenance is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the Time-Life "How to..." series of maintenance books. These can be checked out from administration, and a toolbox will be standard equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at a rate of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on "Basic Wiring", but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it as best you can until the appropriate volume arrives. Cutbacks in phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing blood-related tests on patients who are already bleeding. Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than two X-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround time required by Photomat. Two prints will be provided for the price of one, and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra sets. Photomat will also honor competitors coupons for one-hour processing in emergency situations, so if you come across any extra coupons please clip out and send these to ER. In view of the hot summer temperatures, the Utilities Dept. has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room, office, etc., so that electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately billed. Fans will be available for sale or lease in the hospital gift shop. In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor. Families, patients, and the few remaining employees are asked to contribute discarded produce. Pharmacy will utilize this for antibiotic production. These will be available for purchase and, coincidentally, will soon be the only antibiotics on our HMO's formulary. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer! ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?" "Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!" "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "Im a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?" gggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first guy says his favorite position is the "rodeo". The other guy asks what the position is, and how to do it? The first guy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get under way and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear - "Your sister likes this position, too.." Then try to hang on for 8 seconds." hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh << A Guy goes into the store and says to the clerk, I would like some Polish Sausage. The clerk looks at him and says "Are you Polish?" The guy says "Well, yes I am. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian??? or if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German??" Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? The clerk says "Well, no." The guys says "WELL, why do you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage????" The clerk says "Because this is a hardware store." >> iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii * ODE TO A MAMMOGRAM * For years and years they told me, Be careful of your breasts, Don't ever squeeze or bruise them, And give them monthly tests. So I heeded all their warnings, And protected them by law. Guarded them very carefully, And always wore my bra. After 30 years of astute care, My doctor found a lump. She ordered up a mammogram, To look inside that bump. "Stand up very close" she said. As she got my boob in line, "And tell me when it hurts," she said. "Ah yes! There, that's just fine." She stepped upon a peddle. I could not believe my eyes! A plastic plate pressed down and down, My boob was in a vise! My skin was stretched and stretched, From way up under my chin. My poor boob was being squashed, To Swedish pancake thin. Excruciating pain I felt, Within it's vice-like grip. A prisoner in this vicious thing, My poor defenseless tit! "Take a deep breath", she said to me, Who does she think she's kidding? My chest is mashed in her machine, And woozy I am getting. "There, that was good", I heard her say As the room was slowly swaying. "Now let's have a go at the other one". Lord have mercy, I was praying. It squeezed me from up and down, It squeezed me from both sides, I'll bet she's never had this done, Not to her tender hide! If I had no problem when I came in, I surely have one now. If there had been a cyst in there, It would have popped, Ker-pow! This machine was designed by man, Of this I have no doubt, I'd like to stick his balls in there. And see how they come out! jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink.The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!" The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice....." kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later the Dr. saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the Dr. talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful!" lllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll A Koala bear picked up a hooker and took her to a hotel room. Once inside, the hooker removed her clothes, climbed onto the bed and said "What's your pleasure?" The Koala climbed onto the bed, parted her legs and went down on the hooker. The hooker was amazed at the Koala’s oral skills and actually had a great time but, after all, business is still business. As the hooker was getting dressed, the Koala started heading for the door. The hooker said, "Excuse me darlin', aren't you forgetting something?" The Koala looked puzzled. The hooker grabbed a dictionary, looked up "prostitute" and handed it to the Koala, pointing to the entry: PROSTITUTE: a woman who engages in promiscuous sexual practices in exchange for money. The Koala read this and, without looking at the hooker, flipped through the dictionary to find "Koala" and handed it back to the her, pointing to the entry: KOALA: An Australian marsupial about two feet long that eats bushes and leaves. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm An accountant decided to leave his wife one day. He left her a note saying: "Dear Jane, I am 54 years old and I have never done anything wild. So I'm leaving you for an 18 year old blonde model. We'll be staying at the Sheraton." He then packed his things and went there. When he arrived at the Sheraton, there was a message for him from his wife. It read: "Dear John. I too am 54 years old. I have followed your example and am staying at the Hyatt with an 18 year old Italian hunk. And I'm sure that you, as an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many, many more times than 54 goes into 18." nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn Subject: Fw: "FORE" A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix." The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost." They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied. "No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes-I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself." "OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it done." the genie replied. "And what's your wish, genie?" the husband said. "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife." The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?" "35." she replied. "And he still believes in genies?...That's amazing." oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Subject: FW: BMW's A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety THE MORAL OF THE STORY: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks. pppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp 59 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists) ================================================== 1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says 2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted 4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case 5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents 6. Farmer Bill Dies in House 7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? 9. Stud Tires Out 10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope 11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over 12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again 13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands 14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms 15. Eye Drops off Shelf 16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead 18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim 19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66 20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax 21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told 22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death 23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree 25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies 26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter 27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years 28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One 29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84 30. War Dims Hope for Peace 31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While 32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures 33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide 34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge 35. Deer Kill 17,000 36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead 37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge 38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group 39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft 40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy 42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire 43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply 44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood 45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees 46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half 47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies 48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing 49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing 50. Air Head Fired 51. Steals Clock, Faces Time 52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff 53. Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni 54. Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board 55. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctor 56. Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction 57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training 58. Include your Children When Baking Cookies 59. 4-H Girls Win Prizes for Fat Calves Cheryl Rose Director, Workplace Campaigns qqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqqq On a business trip to the Orient, Joe decided to spend his last night having wild sex with a Geisha Girl. Upon returning home three weeks later, he noticed a very weird green vine growing from his Penis. He went to the doctor, Dr. Jones, who, after hearing of his Orient trip and extracurricular activities, told him he had Hong Kong Dong and the only cure was complete amputation. Joe was horrified and decided to get a second opinion,. Joe contacted Dr. Smith and showed him the green vine. Dr. Smith said "I am sorry but Dr. Jones is correct. We must amputate right away" Joe could not accept this. His friend suggested that he visit an oriental doctor. They must deal with this all the time. He went to Dr. Chu Wong. Dr. Wong agreed with the diagnosis of Hong Kong Dong, but said "These Amadican Doctors - so quick to Chop Chop chop... Amputation not necesady. “ Joe was relieved. Dr. Wong said "You wait three weeks and it fall off on its own" rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Another just incredibly funny chain letter. Again, all we can say is, “Author! Author!” INSTRUCTIONS Follow these instructions EXACTLY, and in 3 to 6 weeks you will have received well over 50,000 inches of penis, all yours. This program has remained successful because of the inadequacy and vanity of the participants. Please continue its success by carefully adhering to the instructions. Welcome to the world of Mail Order Penis Enlargement! This little business is a little different than most cosmetic surgery. Your product is not solid (sic) and tangible, but rather a service. You are in the business of extending penii. Many small of endowment are happy to pay big bucks for this service. (The money made from the penis enlargement is secondary to the income which is made from people like yourself requesting that they be included in that list.) Immediately cut off your penis at the base. Cut off the head of your penis, and pack it in ice. Take the remaining midsection of your penis, and cut it into 5 pieces of equal length. Immediately mail each piece to the first 5 names listed below starting at number 1 through number 5. Send penis only please (total investment your penis). Enclose a note with each piece stating: "Please add my name to your mailing list." (This is a legitimate service that you are requesting and you are paying your penis for this service). Remove the name that appears number 1 on the list. Move the other 9 names up one position. (Number 2 will become number 1 and number 3 will become number 2, etc.) Place your name, address and zip code in the number 10 position. Post the new letter with your name in the number 10 position into 10 (Ten) separate bulletin boards in the message base or to the file section, call the file, MAKE.PENIS.FAST. Within 60 days you will receive over 50,000 inches of PENIS. Keep a copy of this file for yourself so that you can use it again and again whenever you need penis enlargement. As soon as you mail out these letters you are automatically in the mail order business and people are sending you their penis to be placed on your mailing list. This list can then be rented to a reconstructive cosmetic surgeon that can be found in the Yellow Pages for additional income on a regular basis. The list will become more valuable as it grows in size. This is a service. This is perfectly legal. If you have any doubts, refer to Title 18, Sec. 1302 & 1341 of the postal lottery laws. > NOTE: Make sure you retain EVERY Name and Address sent to you, either on computer or hard copy, but do not discard the names and notes they send you. This is PROOF that you are truly providing a service and should the AMA, FDA, or some other Government Agency question you, you can provide them with this proof! Remember as each post is downloaded and the instructions carefully followed, five members will be reimbursed for their participation as a Penis Enlarger with one inch of penis each. Your name will move up the list geometrically so that when your name reaches the number five position you will be receiving thousands of inches in penis. Daniel J. Karnes, 6394-B Tawney Bloom, Mogi Donuts, MD 21045 Newt Gingrich, Speaker of the House of Misrepresentatives, Washington, DC 20515 Emil T. Chuck 6394-A Tawney Bloom, Mogi Donuts, MD 21045 Richard DeThirde, jr. 7690 Karnesville Road, Phobic, MI 48348 William Davenant 8295 Hiding Closet Rd, Clarkston, MI 48348 Peter Ruckman 14805 Rivercrest, Sterling Hts., MI 48312 Steven Crisp 3718 Kings Point, Troy, MI 48083 Mark Gengler 5748 Patterson, Troy, MI 48098 Pat Robertson 666 God's Little Homophobe Road, Anti-Christ Hills, VA 48307 Jesse Helms 20840 Tobacco Mercenary Street, Lung Cancer Hacks., VA 48038 Dear Friend, My name is Daniel J. Karnes. In September 1988 my life was repressed and the bible thumpers were hounding me like you wouldn't believe. I was never laid and my mental disability checks had run out. The only escape I had from the pressure of failure was my Apple computer and my bible. I longed to turn my fixation into my vocation. This January 1989 my family and I went on a ten day cruise to the tropics. I bought a Double-Wide Trailer with CASH in Feburary 1989. I am currently building a Self-Worship Temple on the West Coast of Florida, with a private S/M Dungeon with room for all of my closeted friends, and a beautiful view of the bay from my women's shoes closet and wardrobe. I will never be underendowed again. Today I am equipped! I have over 400,000 inches of penis (33,333 feet and 4 inches! ) to date and will become a million-incher within 4 or 5 months. Anyone can do the same. This penis enlargement making program works perfectly every time, 100% of the time. I have NEVER failed to earn 50,000 inches or more whenever I wanted. Best of all you never have to leave home except to go to your mailbox or reconstructive surgeon. In October 1988, I received a letter in the mail telling me how I could earn 50,000 inches of penis or more whenever I wanted. I was naturally very skeptical and threw the letter on the desk next to my computer. It's funny though, when you are desparately underendowed, backed into a corner, your mind does crazy things. I spent a frustating day looking through the want ads for a wife who didn't need sexual fulfillment. The pickings were sparse at best. That night I tried to unwind by booting up my Apple computer and calling several gay bulletin boards. I read several of the message posts and then glanced at the letter next to the computer. All at once it came to me, I now had the key to my dreams. I realized that with the power of the computer I could expand and enhance this penis making formula into the most unbelievable penis enlargement generator that has ever been created. I substituted the computer bulletion boards in place of the post office and electronically did by computer what others were doing 100% by mail. Now only a few letters are mailed manually. Most of the hard work is speedily downloaded to other bulletin boards throughout the world. If you believe that someday you deserve that lucky break that you have waited for all your life, simply follow the easy instructions below. Your dreams will come true. Sincerely yours, Daniel J. Karnes About six months ago I received the enclosed post in letter form. I ignored it. I received about five more of the same letter withn the next two weeks. I ignored them also. Of course, I was tempted to follow through and dreamed of making thousands of inches, but I was convinced it was just another gimmick and could not possibly work. I was wrong! About three weeks later I saw this same letter posted on a local bulletion board in Montreal. I liked the idea of giving it a try with my computer. I didn't expect much because I figured, if other people were as skeptical as I, they wouldn't be too quick to part with their penis. But, I buy lottery tickets weekly in my province and have nothing to show for it but ticket stubs. This week I decided to look at this as my weekly lottery purchase. I addressed the envelopes and mailed out one piece of my penis in each as directed. Two weeks went by and I didn't recieve anything in the mail. The fourth week rolled around and I couldn't believe what happened! I can't say I received 50,000 inches, but it was definitely well over 35,000! For the first time in all my years, I was adequately endowed. It was great. Of course, it didn't take me long to feel inadequate again so I am using this excellent penis enlargement opportunity once again. Follow the instructions and get ready to enjoy. Please send a copy of this letter along with the enclosed letter so together we can convince people who are skeptical that it really works! Good Luck, Purdee M Bugstonne St Agathe Que. sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss >Subject: Sonbitch > >So, one day, this priest is walking down the pier and sees this fisherman pull this GIANT fish out of the water. The fisherman exclames, "Wow! Look at that SONOFABITCH!" >The priest quickly corrects him with, "Watch your language my son." >Well, the fisherman, not wanting to be in trouble with the priest, quickly replies, "Oh no father, that's the name of this type of fish, a Sonofabitch." "Really?" says the priest, a little surprised by this. "Yes, really." Lies the fisherman. "In fact, you can have this one if you like. Take it back to the monastery and eat it." So the priest gratefully accepts the fish and goes back to his monastery. A nun meets him at the door. "Good afternoon Father," she says. "Good afternoon Sister," he replies, "Take a look at this Sonofabitch" and he holds up the fish. "Father!" the nun replies, horrified. "No no, it's OK, a local fisherman caught it and explained that is the name of this type of fish." he says. "Oooooh." says the nun, very relieved, "I'll help you clean it." And so they go to the kitchen and the nun cleans the fish and prepares it for cooking. About that time, the Bishop of the monastery walks into the kitchen. "Bishop, what do you think of that Sonofabitch?" the nun says. The Bishop almost passes out until they explain to him that Sonofabitch is, in fact, the name of the fish. Needless to say, the Bishop is very relieved. "That's great!" says the Bishop, "And perfect timing! The Pope is coming to dinner tonight all the way from Italy. I'll help you cook it." And so, the Bishop cooks the fish while the three of them get ready for the Pope's visit. Finally, the Pope arrives, and the priest, nun, and Bishop all serve him the fish. Since they only had enough fish for the four of them, they are all alone in a private little dining hall. After the blessing, as the priest, nun, and Bishop stand anxiously by, they watch the Pope take his first bite of the fish they all worked so hard to prepare. The Pope smiles from ear to ear. "This fish is excellent!" He says. Unable to contain their excitement, the three join in... "I brought the Sonofabitch!" says the priest. "I cleaned the Sonofabitch!" says the nun. "I cooked the Sonofabitch!" says the Bishop. The Pope sits a moment, quiet, staring at the three of them, and then slowly leans back, props his hands behind his head, sets his feet up on the table and says, "You know, you fuckers are all right..." tttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt (Been there done that, where's my T-shirt? :-) Basic Rules for Driving in Metro Atlanta 1.A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting construction barrels. 2. Turn signals are just clues as to your next move in road battle, so never use them. 3. Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, no matter how fast you're going. If you do, the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation. 4. Large SUV drivers think they're immortal (especially if they have 4WD); don't succumb to the temptation to test this theory. 5. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit. 6. Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work. (Remember no-fault insurance, he might not have much to lose, you do.) 7. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to insure that your ABS kicks in giving a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. 8. Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the exit before the traffic begins to back up. (Mom-remember I-85 for two hours?) 9. The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information, they're there just to make Atlanta look high-tech. 10. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to scare people entering the highway. 11. Speed limits (84.1 mph average on the Perimeter) are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour. 12. Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that an Atlanta driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot. 13. Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in Atlanta. 14. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even a person changing a tire. It might be more interesting than the articles you are reading in last week's National Enquirer. 15. Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape, keeps the existing litter from getting lonely and gives Adopt-a-Mile highway crews something to clean up. 16. Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours (especially pickup truck drivers with stickers of Calvin peeing on a Ford, Dodge or Chevy logo). 17. Learn to swerve abruptly. Atlanta is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to GDOT, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes. 18. It is traditional in Atlanta to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes. 19. When the light turns green, put the pedal to the metal; gas is cheap in Atlanta, pollution is a myth and this is a drag race isn't it? (My favorite!) 20. Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way. 21. Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding. (This one could save a life, literally) 22. Remember that the goal of every Atlanta driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary. AND DON'T FORGET! YOU MIGHT AS WELL STAY AT HOME IF IT'S RAINING OR SNOWING! uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu Subject: Don't ignore this one... WITH SEX ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE This paper has been sent to you for good luck. The original has been worn out from having passed through the hands of so many people. It had travelled around the world 69 times [Dear Reader: please help keep this count current. If this letter falls into your hands after just completing one more circuit of the world, please add one to the count.] The luck has now been sent to you. You will experience great sex within four days of receiving this letter, provided you send it on! Since the copy must tour the world, you must make twenty copies and send them to others. This is no joke. Send no money. Send copies to people who need to get laid within 96 hours. After he passed this letter on, a Montana Spinach Control Officer got his penis stuck in a cow-milking machine and had the longest series of ograsms of his life. John Elliot tried to pick up a prositute, but, because he broke the chain, was picked up by the police instead. When they searched his home, they found magazines of little boys which they showed to his neighbours. In a suburb of Paris, Don Loray's trousers were ripped by an unsatisfied erection, 51 days after failing to circulate the letter. However, before this happened, a condom machine gave him three condoms for the price of one. (was this the consolation prize?) Do note the following: Hebert Pudstrom received the chain in 1953. He asked his secretary to make twenty copies and send them out. A few days later he encountered her in a red-light district making more than he had every paid her at work. General George Patton, who sent the letter on, saw what he thought was a quarter in the street. When he bent down to pick it up, a beautiful woman in a miniskirt walked by, and he got a great view. His aide, Colonel Roger Bumswiver, who did not pass on the letter, tried to pick up a similar object but was fucked up the ass by a desperate gay when he bent over. Heywood Daddit, an unemployed chicken choker, received the letter and forgot that it had to leave his hands within 96 hours. His wife then went bowling with his best friend and never returned. Later, after finding the letter again, he mailed twenty copies. A few days later he got a wife and discovered that his old wife, who he thought was wonderful, had made love to him like a dead salmon for all these years! Alan Fairchild received the letter and, not believing, threw the letter away. Nine days later he spilled hot coffee in his crotch. In 1987 the letter received by a young woman in Texas was faded and barely readable, so she did not realize that this paragraph applied to her. She promised herself she would retype the letter and send it on, but she put it aside to do later. She was plagued with problems including herpes and other venereal diseases she contracted in her futile attempts to find Mr. Right in a singles bar. The letter did not leave her hands in 96 hours. She finally typed the letter and found a man with a 10-inch penis. You must distribute at least twenty copies within 96 hours of receiving this letter. Those who do will find their love lives more fulfilling. Those who do not will be doomed to one-night stands with mechanical devices. vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her, too. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store,, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so, thereby proving that (OK, are you ready for the punch line??) Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars. wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww Two little kids were in a hospital laying next to each other. The first kid leaned over and asked, "What are you in here for?" The second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid said, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!" The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?" The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision." The second kid said, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!" xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money than he had gotten during the previous week. The lady said, "Fluctuations." The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, he turned around and said "Fluc you Amelicans too!" yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel. When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial. After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his new partner and said, "Wow! This is the very best sex I've had in years... I wonder how the girls are doing?" zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? "Choke, gag, urgh."