AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Define "Egghead:" What Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty. BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB Sadie Goldstein walks into the flagship location of Chase Manhattan in New York and says she'd like to open an account and tenders a check for $100,000 as her first deposit. The assistant manager comes over and says if there is any banking service she should need in the future, she should call him directly. A few days later she comes into the bank, asks for the assistant manager, and deposits another $250,000. The manager now comes over and says that if she should require any banking service, all she needs to do is call him on his private line. A week later she returns, asks for the manager, and when he offers once more to assist her in any way, she says that she does have one request: she would like to meet David Rockefeller. And saying this she hands him another check for deposit, this one for $350,000. He excuses himself and returns shortly saying that Mr. Rockefeller fortunately is in and would be happy to meet her. The manager escorts her to Rockefeller's office, who welcomes her in, and they proceed to have a cordial conversation. In time Mr. Rockefeller asks Mrs. Goldstein what she does for a living, to which she replies, "I gamble." "Gamble?" says Rockefeller, "and what do you gamble on?" "Everything," she says, "I make bets on almost everything and with almost anyone." "Well," he says, amused, "and would you make a bet with me? and if so, about what? and how much?" Mrs. Goldstein reflect for a moment, and then says, "I will bet you $500,000 that two weeks from today, at this time, your testicles will turn into stainless steel cubes. And you know I have the money to cover the bet because I have more than that in your bank." Rockefeller is taken aback by this suggestion, but he figures he can't lose and so he accepts the wager. Two weeks later, Mrs. Goldstein returns with a man carrying a brief case whom she introduces as her associate. The manager takes them up to Rockefeller's office, and she says that she has come to collect her bet. Rockefeller laughs and says, "But you've lost. My testicles are still perfectly ovoid." To which she replies, "I think you will agree that I have a right to check, considering the size of this bet." Reluctantly he agrees and drops his pants and shorts. She kneels down and grasps his testicles, at which point her "associate' sighs and says, "Sadie, once more you've won." "Won?" says Rockefeller. "She hasn't won." Yes she has," says the associate grimly. "She bet me a million dollars that by this afternoon, she'd have David Rockefeller by the balls." CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC Subject: Lawyer joke A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined. "You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!! "Oh my gaaad!....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody shoulder socket where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!" DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD Scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien Civilization... Simply send 6 x 10 to the 50 atoms of Hydrogen to the Star System at the top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your Star System at the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other Star Systems. Within one-tenth of a Galactic Rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power your civilization until entropy reaches its maximum! IT REALLY WORKS! -- EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE Definitions from the Cynic's Dictionary -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=- ARTIFICIAL INSEMINATION: Procreation without recreation. BOOKCASE: A piece of furniture used in America to house bowling trophies and Elvis collectibles. BULIMIA: Retched excess. CHIC: Considered smart without the deadening implication of intelligence. CLIQUE: A group of insiders who greet outsiders with their backsides; a closed circle of asses. CONSULTANT: A jobless person who shows executives how to work. DENTURES: Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed periodically to frighten one's grandchildren or provide accompaniment to Spanish music. DNA: A complex organic molecule characterized as the building block of life and appropriately shaped like a spiral staircase to nowhere. ERUDITE: Exhibiting a degree of book learning fatal to success in any business or romantic enterprise. FIBER: Edible wood pulp said to aid digestion and prolong life, so that we might enjoy another six or eight years in which to consume wood pulp. FUNERAL HOME: A stately manse occupied by transients who continually receive visitors but lack the energy and inclination to entertain them. GENETIC ENGINEERING: Tampering with chromosomes so that science might develop a new miracle cure or a rabbit that plays the banjo. HIP: Smartly attuned to the latest cutting edge clichés. JOB: A state of employment everyone wants but few look forward to on a Monday morning. LAWYER: A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry into politics. LECHER: A stud with liver spots. LOOTING: A public shopping spree generously sponsored by local merchants in the wake of a riot. LOTTERY: The equivalent of betting that the next pope will be from Duluth, or that the parrot in the pet store window speaks Flemish. MATH ANXIETY: An intense lifelong fear of two trains approaching each other at speeds of 60 and 80 mph. MUGGER: A benevolent citizen of the streets who frequently spares the lives of total strangers in exchange for any cash and valuables in their possession. NEGOTIATING: The art of persuading your opponent to take the nice shiny copper penny and give you the wrinkled old paper money. NEUROTIC: Sane but unhappy about it. OBITUARY: A final summation of our lives that, for most of us, occupies about three inches of space in what will shortly become cage liner for your neighbor's parakeet. POSITIVE THINKING: Self-improvement through self-deception. QUALITY OF LIFE: What an industrialized nation is said to offer when enough of its citizens are suffering from terminal stress. REVOLUTIONARY: An oppressed person waiting for the opportunity to become an oppressor. SHALLOWNESS: The root cause of chronic good health, high school popularity, appearance on the fiction bestseller lists, and gainful employment on local TV news broadcasts. STAR: A performer who makes more than his or her agent. Also SUPERSTAR: A performer who makes more than Guatemala. STATE-OF-THE-ART: Soon-to-be-obsolete. TABOO: Any strict cultural prohibition that, when breached, causes everyone in the group to gasp; e.g., cannibalism, public nudity, serving fried pork rinds at a Hasidic wedding, or answering the question "How are you?" in the negative. UNEMPLOYMENT: The usual alternative to overwork. URINAL: The one place where all men are peers. VIRGIN: A young innocent who in former times was sacrificed to the gods but who now merely lives in disgrace. WAKE: 1. A convivial soiree with a preserved corpse in the room. 2. What the mourners would be visibly startled to see the corpse do, especially those expecting a sizable inheritance. X-CHROMOSOME: A genetic double-cross that empowers women with the ability to bear children and reserves for men the right to be color-blind hemophiliacs. ZOMBIE: A mirthless creature beloved by teenage horror movie fans and those in charge of the hiring at accounting firms. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF The Latest Method For Torturing A Cat The pampered pet catalogue offers a kit for brushing the teeth of cats but the kit is missing one item: A little straight jacket to keep the cat from eating your face if you try to brush its teeth. I'm not making this up. The catalogue that came in the mail offers a kit that includes a cat toothbrush, cat toothpaste, cat breath spray and a jar of something called "gauze dental pads." I don't know what that last item is but my guess is that gauze dental pads are what you put on your wounds after trying to brush the teeth of a cat. Or maybe it is for the cat's wounds. You spend a few minutes trying to ram a toothbrush into the face of a struggling cat and it isn't going to do the cat any good either. It may be that after each morning's brushing both you and the cat have to sit around dabbing at the surprising new openings all over your bodies. Cats are not as enthusiastic about their dental hygiene as are the people trying to sell you the products for that purpose. And some of those products are bizarre: The cat toothpaste, for instance. It is flavored. Maybe that's not so odd by itself. A cat might be a little more willing to listen to reason on its dental hygiene if the toothpaste is mouse flavored or fish flavored or something like that. If they can sell people bourbon-flavored toothpaste, they should be able to sell cats bird-flavored toothpaste. Birds are the bourbon of cats. You may stop by after work for a bourbon and water. But a cat prefers a couple of birds after a hard day of doing what cats do all day absolutely nothing. Actually, I have never understood bourbon toothpaste, even for people who love bourbon. Most people who love bourbon are not nearly so keen on it first thing in the morning. People who use bourbon tooth paste are the same people who have a quick pull on the bottle when they awaken just to get their blood moving. That's pretty hardcore. The only people in deeper trouble are those who rinse with a stiff, high-alcohol mouthwash but don't spit. There are people who will tell you they quit drinking years ago but who have started using mouth wash five times a day. The cat toothpaste isn't bourbon-flavored but it is a long way from the flavor you would expect just the same: Malt. The toothpaste they are selling for cats is malt-flavored. I was unaware that cats like malt. But who am I to question? For all I know, they may not stop by after a hard day of doing nothing for a bourbon and water, but maybe cats do like some sort of sparrow-and-malt blender drink a malted bird shake. (If anybody would go for blender drinks it is those hairy sissies who call themselves cats.) I have no idea why cat toothpaste is malt flavored. My first guess was that it had something to do with bad breath. But the catalogue specifies malt "flavored." And the tooth kit includes a separate container of breath spray for the way a cat's breath smells. The breath spray must be for the benefit of people who let cats breathe in their faces at close range. I don't even let people breathe in my face at close range. But some cat owners are into that sort of thing and I'll concede I would use a breath spray on the cat if I were in the habit of sharing air with a creature that has just finished drinking a sparrow-and-malt blender drink. Of course, cat products aren't the only silly part of a pampered pet catalogue. They also have toothpaste for dogs. And they specify that it is "no-rinse" toothpaste. It is no-rinse toothpaste because dogs don't know how to spit. And they don't want to learn. Dogs specialize in putting things into their mouths, not in expelling them. In other words, they swallow their toothpaste. That gives you a rough idea of what dog toothpaste is made of: It's a blender drink made of malt and cat. GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG > >>Yo Momma Jokes >> >> >> >> >> Yo momma so dumb, she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet! >> >> Yo momma so dumb she bought a solar-powered flashlight. >> >> Yo momma so dumb she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes. >> >> Yo momma so dumb it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes. >> >> Yo momma so dumb she sits on the TV, and watches the couch! >> >> Yo momma so dumb she stepped on a crack and broke her own back. >> >> Yo momma so dumb, it takes her an hour to cook minute rice. >> >> Yo momma so dumb, she cooked her own complimentary breakfast. >> >> Yo momma so dumb when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran >>outside with a spoon. >> >> Yo momma so dumb, she got fired from the M & M factory for throwing >>away all the W's. >> >> Yo momma so dumb she sold her car to get gasoline money! >> >> Yo momma so dumb, she sold the house to pay the mortgage! >> >> Yo momma so dumb, she sent me a fax with a stamp on it! >> >> Yo momma so dumb she had to call the Operator to get the number for >>911! >> >> Yo momma so dumb, they had to burn down the school to get her out >>of second grade. >> >> Yo momma so dumb when you stand next to her you hear the ocean! >> >> (UGLY) >> >> Yo momma's got a wooden leg with a real foot. >> >> Yo momma's got a leather wig with suede sideburns. >> >> Yo momma's arm-pits stink so bad she made Right Guard turn to left. >> >> >> Yo momma's teeth are so yellow, when she smiles, cars slow down. >> >> Yo momma so ugly, when she looks in the mirror, the reflection >>ducks!! >> >> Yo momma so ugly, the psychiatrist makes her lie facedown. >> >> Yo momma so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said, >>"Sorry, no professionals." >> >> Yo momma so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the >>cameras. >> >> Yo momma so ugly, her face is closed on weekends! >> >> Yo momma so ugly, when she was born the doctor slapped your >>grandma! >> >> Yo momma so ugly, they know what time she were born, because her >>face stopped the clock! >> >> Yo momma so ugly, when she cries the tears run up her face. >> >> Yo momma so ugly, her mother had to feed her with a sling shot. >> >> Yo momma so ugly, she could scare the moss off a rock! >> >> Yo momma so ugly, she could scare the chrome off a bumper! >> >> (OLD) >> >> Yo momma so old, she walked into an antique store and they kept >>her. >> >> Yo momma so old, her birthday's expired. >> >> Yo momma so old, her driver's license got hieroglyphics on it! >> >> Yo momma so old she still owes Moses a quarter! >> >> Yo momma so old, when she was young, rainbows were black and >>white!! >> >> Yo momma so old, when she was born, the Dead Sea was just getting >>sick! >> >> Yo momma so old, she farts dust! >> >> (FAT) >> >> Yo momma so fat she can't reach her back pocket. >> >> Yo momma so fat, if she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take >>his word for it! >> >> Yo momma so fat, a picture of her would fall off the wall! >> >> Yo momma so fat, she gets group insurance! >> >> Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says 'to be >>continued.' >> >> Yo momma so fat she sat on a dollar and when she got up there was 4 >>quarters. >> >> Yo momma so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came >>back she had on flip flops. >> >> Yo momma so fat, when she takes a shower, her feet don't get wet! >> >> Yo momma so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a >>twinkie on the other side just to get her through. >> >> Yo momma so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down! >> >> Yo momma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks. >> >> Yo momma so fat, her job title is Spoon and Fork Operator! >> >> Yo momma so fat when she goes to an all-you-can-eat buffet, they >>have to install speed bumps. >> >> Yo momma so fat, her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard! >> >> Yo momma so fat, the sign outside one restaurant says 'Maximum >>occupancy, 512, or YO' MOMMA!' >> >> Yo momma so fat, she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth! >> >> Yo momma so fat she's on both sides of the family! >> >> Yo momma so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying >>to get up again. >> >> Yo momma so fat that when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips! >> >> >> Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it. >> >> Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections! >> >> Yo momma so fat, when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating >>disease, the doctor gave her ten YEARS to live! >> >> Yo momma so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE >>HOUSE! >> >> Yo momma so fat, her belly-button's got an echo! >> >> Yo momma so fat, her belly-button gets home 15 minutes before she >>does! >> >> Yo momma so fat that her pictures had to be arial views! >> >> Yo momma so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized. >> >> Yo momma so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on >>12th. >> >> Yo momma so fat she's got her own area code! >> >> Yo momma so fat, when she talks to herself, it's a long distance >>call! >> >> Yo momma so fat, she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her! >> >> Yo momma so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in! >> >> Yo momma so fat, she was born on the 4th, 5th and 6th of March. >> >> Yo momma so fat she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her >>for the new world. >> >> Yo momma so fat, when she sings, it's over for everybody. >> HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUN WITH SADDAM AND BILL - Submitted by Puneet ____________________________________ Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face. Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!" A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clinton's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge. They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics. "Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!" Clinton says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?" IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents." "Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now." -- JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ >One night after the big fight Mike Tyson was a bit depressed so he >decided to get a prostitute to cheer him up. After the act, they were >laying in bed having a smoke. The prostitute said "Well Mike, how's it >all going?" > >"How's it all going?" he asked. "My life's a disaster. I was born to an >under-privileged family, had a hard up-bringing, was thrown in jail for >rape, now I'm on parole and I've hit a cop, my wife left me for beating >her up, I have to pay maintenance for my kids, I've lost two world title >fights, I've disgraced myself and my sport, most people want me banned me >for life and they won't pay me my money. Nothing could make my life any >worse." > >"Oh, that's so sad" the prostitute said. "I'll say one thing to cheer >you up. You're a much better lover than Magic Johnson!" > > KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK Subject: Fwd: HMO Q. What does HMO stand for? A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same. Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification? A. No. Only those you need. Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want? A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry -- the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away! Q. What are pre-existing conditions? A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it. Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions? A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment. Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine? A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment. Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do? A. Poke yourself in the eye. Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do? A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries. Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling? A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus. Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick? A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick. Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office? A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it. Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs? A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses. Q. Will health care be any different in the next century? A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then. LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL How many of you remember Kip Adonna's recording of the following? Shit....how many of you remember Kip Adonna? ________________________ It was April 4th 44, being a quadruple leap year, I was driving downtown Atlantis, my Baracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented Stingray and it was overheating. I pulled into a Shell Station, they said I'd blown a seal. I said "Fix the damn thing and leave my private life out of it, pal." While they were doing that I walked over to a place called The Oyster Bar, a real dive. But I knew the owner, he used to play for the Dolphins. I said "Hi, Gill!" (you have to yell, he's hard of herring) Gill was also down on his luck, fact is, he was barely keeping his head below water. I bellied up to the Sand Bar, he poured the usual: Rusty Grunion, shaken not stirred, with a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side, heavy on the mako. I slipped a fin, on porpoise. I was feeling good. I even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's Squids. For the halibut. Well, the place was crowded - we were packed in like sardines. They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal. What sole. Tommy was rocking the place with a very popular tuna, "Sand Enchanted Evening". The stage was surrounded by screaming guppies, probably there to see the bass player. One of them was this cute little yellowtail. She was giving me the eye, so I thought this was chance to have a little fun. Or a piece of Pisces. But she said things I just couldn't fathom. She was too deep. Seemed to be under a lot of pressure. Boy, could she drink! She drank ........ she drank a lot. I said "What's your sign?", she said "Aquarium". I said "Great! Let's get tanked!" I invited her up to my place for a little midnight bait. I said "C'mon, it'll only take a few minnows". She threw me that same old line, "Not tonight - I got a haddock". She wasn't kidding either, because just then in came in the biggest, meanest haddock I ever seen come down the pike. He was covered with mussels. He came over to me and said "Listen Shrimp! Don't you come trolling around here!" What a crab. This guy was steamed. I could see the anchor in his eyes. I turned to him and said "Abalone! - you're just being shellfish". Well, I knew there was going to be trouble, and so did Gill, because he was already on the phone to the cods. The haddock hits me with a sucker punch. I catch him with a left hook. He eels over. It was a fluke, but there he was, lying on the deck, as flat as a mackerel. Kelpless. I said, "Forget the cods, Gill, this guy's gonna need a sturgeon". Well, the yellowtail was impressed with the way I landed her boyfriend. She came over to me, she said "Hey big boy, you're really a game fish - what's your name?" I said "Marlin". Well, from then on we had a whale of a time. I took her to dinner, I took her to dance, I bought her a bouquet of flounders. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM ----------------------------------------------------------------- If IBM ran Christmas... They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time. If Microsoft ran Christmas... Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well. You wouldn't have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the first ornament that uses the colors red/green together. It would interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the other tree types wouldn't work with their hooks. If Apple ran Christmas... It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier, and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course). If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas... Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier than most all the others. Options would be available for 'equalization' of color combinations on the tree. If Dell ran Christmas... Wait a minute? Isn't IBM running this Christmas..?? If Fisher Price ran Christmas... "Baby's First Ornament" would have a hand-crank that you turn to hang the thing on the tree. If The Rand Corporation ran Christmas... The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black cubes. Christmas morning there would be presents for everyone, but no one would know what they were. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and be located at the North Pole. Blueprints for ornaments would be highly classified government documents. X-Files would have an episode about them. If the NSA ran Christmas... Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of national security. If DEC ran Christmas... We used to have Christmas back in the '70s, didn't we? If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas... They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which is put in your attic on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the day after the January Bowl Games. If Sony ran Christmas... Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely larger than an ornament and flat, would allow you to celebrate the season with a device attached conveniently to your belt. If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas... Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted item from an authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each ornament would weight about 7 pounds, and require you to pay shipping and handling charges. If Cray ran Christmas... The holiday season would cost $16 million but would be celebrated faster than any other holiday during the year. If Thinking Machines ran Christmas... You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on your tree (all identical) at the same time. If Timex ran Christmas... The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal driven, and would let you take a licking and keep on shopping. If Radio Shack ran Christmas... The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about them or what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own tree. If K-Tel ran Christmas... Ornaments would not be sold in stores, but when you purchased some, they would be accompanied by a free set of Ginsu knives. If University of Waterloo ran Christmas... They would immediately change the name to WatMas. -- NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN Bill & Hillary Clinton host a large bipartisan dinner party in their personal residence quarters at the White House, including a number of current and former members of Congress, former Presidents Carter, Ford and Bush, along with former Vice Presidents Mondale and Quayle. After the introductory speeches during dinner, Vice President Dan Quayle excused himself to use the bathroom, one adjacent to the First Family's private living room. After a couple of minutes, he returns to his seat, looking rather smug, but says nothing to his wife at the time. After the dinner, as the Quayles returned home, Dan turned to Marilyn and said, "Did you know Bill has a solid-gold urinal in his bathroom? How can he pretend to be serious about cutting the budget after buying that?" Marilyn's initial look of shock turns to a a sly grin as she turns to her husband and says, "We've really caught him with his pants down this time! As soon as we get home, why don't you call up the paper and give them a little 'insider' information, dear?" "That's an excellent idea, Marilyn!" says Dan to his lovely wife. "You know, sometimes you're just too smart," as he leans over to hug and give his wife a quick kiss on the cheek. The following morning, after the morning editions of the papers have been delivered to the White House residence, Hillary Clinton opens the newspaper over breakfast only to see a bold headline stating "CLINTONS SPLURGE ON GOLD URINAL SAYS QUAYLE." Shaking her head, Hillary smirks and shouts up to the bedroom, "Bill! I think I know who peed in your Saxophone!" OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO "Twas the night before Chanukah..." Twas the night before Chanukah, boychiks and maidels, Not a sound could be heard, not even the dreidels. The menorah was set on the chimney, just right, In the kitchen my Bubbe hut gechapt a bite. Salami, pastrami, a glessala tay and zayerah pickles with bagels, oy vay! Gezunt and geschmacht, the kindelech felt, while dreaming of tegelach and Chanukah gelt. The clock on the mantle it sure was a tickin', and Bubbe was serving a schtickala chicken. A tumult arose like a thousand bruchas, Santa had fallen and broken his tuchas. I put on my slippers, eins, tsvay, drei, while Bubba was now on the herring and rye. I grabbed my robe and buttoned my gotkes, While Bubbe was so busy, devouring those latkes. To the window I ran and to my surprise, A little red yarmulke greeted my eyes. When he got to the door and saw our menorah, "Yiddishe kinder," he said, "Keneinahora. I thought I was in a goyisha house, but as long as I am here, I'll leave a few toys." With much geshray, I asked, "Du bist a yid?" "Avada, mein numen is Schloimey Claus, kid." "Come into the kitchen, I'll get you a dish, A guppell, a schtickla fish." With smacks of delight, he started his fressen, Chopped liver, knaidlech and kreplach gegessen. Along with his meal, he had a bissle schnapps, For when it came to eating, this boy was the tops! He asked for some knishes with pepper and salt, but they were so hot, he yelled, "Oy gevalt!" Unbottoning his haizen, he rose from the tisch, and said, "Your kosher essen is simply delish." As he went to the door, he said "See you later. I'll be back next Pesach, in time for the seder." More rapid than eagles his prancers they came, as he whistled and shouted and called them by name: "Now Izzy, now Morris, now Yitzchak, now Sammy, now Irving and Maxie and Moishe and Manny." He gave a geshray as he drove out of sight, "A gutten yomtov to all, and to all a good night!" "Dictionary" {Thank you, Rabbi S.A.!} boychiks and maidels - boys & girls dreidels - gambling toy, with letters of Hebrew alphabet on 4 sides, a top. menorah - 7 branched candelabra used to light candles. Bubbe - grandmother a Chanukiah - the candelabra exclusive to Chanukah. gechapt -took glessala tay-glass of tea Gezunt - well (a good feeling) geschmacht- secure, comfortable Chanukah gelt - money, usually given to children as gifts. kinderlech -children tegelach -a tasty confection made from flour, honey, sugar-you get the idea schtickala - a little tumult -confusion bruchas - blessings gotkes-underwear yarmulke - little skull cap worn by religious, especially Orthodox Jews. Pope wears the thing too. Keneinahora-actually 3 words: ken, ayin & harah. This phrase means there should be no negative insinuation (literally-no evil eye) goyisha house - non-Jewish house "mein numen is Schloimey Claus" - "my name is ... " knaidlech-matza balls kreplach-dough stuffed with meat. wantons. but we were around before the Chinese. They got it from us. We boil them. They fry them. fressen - eat, devour gegessen-was (were) eaten gevalt - holy sh*t (you may substitute something more appropriate, but this is what it means. See the movie "The Frisco Kid" when Gene Wilder and Harrison Ford jump off the cliff into the water) geshray -cried out yomtov - holiday PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP A Russian, a Saudi, a North Korean and a New Yorker are walking down the street. A pollster stops them and asks: "Excuse me, what is your opinion of the meat shortage?"... The Saudi replies; " Excuse me, what's a shortage'?" The Russian replies; " Excuse me, what's meat?" The North Korean replies: " Excuse me, what's an opinion?" The New Yorker replies: "What's 'Excuse me?'" QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ ----------------------------------------------------- A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "One penny?!" exclaimed the guy. The barman replied, "Yes." So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?" "Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money. "How much money?" inquires the guy. "Four cents," he replies. "Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business." RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals......We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother-in- law is attractive, but I only have photographs of her. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS EXPERTS WARN OF THREAT FROM 100GB BUG Firebringer News Service (FBNS) - Experts warned today of a new and deadly threat to our beleaguered civilization: the 100GB Bug. As most people know, McDonald's restaurant signs show the number of hamburgers the giant chain has sold. That number now stands at 99 billion burgers, or 99 Gigaburgers (GB). Within months or even weeks, that number will roll over to 100GB. McDonald's signs, however, were designed years ago, when the prospect of selling one hundred billion hamburgers seemed unthinkably remote. So the signs have only two decimal places. This means that, after the sale of the 100 billionth burger, McDonald's signs will read "00 Billion Burgers Sold." This, experts predict, will convince the public that, in over thirty years, no McDonald's hamburgers have ever in fact been sold, causing a complete collapse of consumer confidence in McDonald's products. The ensuing catastrophic drop in sales is seen as almost certain to force the already-troubled company into bankruptcy. This, in turn, will push the teetering American economy over the brink, which, finally, will complete the total devastation of the global economy, ending civilization as we know it, and forcing us all to live on beetles. "The people who know -- the sign-makers -- are really scared of 100GB," one expert said. "I don't know about you, but I'm digging up a copy of THE FIELD GUIDE TO NORTH AMERICAN INSECTS and heading for the hills." TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT Mr. John Hinckley St. Elizabeth's Hospital Washington D.C. Dear John, Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our Country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness abroad throughout the land. Hillary and I want you to know that no grudge is born against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. Hillary and I are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man. Best wishes, Bill Clinton P.S. Guess you heard Ken Starr is having an affair with Jodie Foster. UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU A man, along with his extraordinarily beautiful date, walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. The man says to the shop owner, "Please show the lady your finest mink!" So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier stands next to the man and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000." "That's no problem, we'll take it!" said the man, "I'll just write you a check!" "Very good, sir." said the shop owner. "But since today is Saturday, you'll have to come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared the bank." So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here? There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!" The man just grinned and said, "I'm sorry, but I just had to come by!" "Why Bother?" the steamed shop owner replied. "I wanted to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!" VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains who had been friends for years, would always cry "Aye!" and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other. A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?" The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of . . . an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?" WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW This is the Unofficial World Wide Activities Thermometer, based on stereotypes and geographical generalizations by temperature. Air Temperatures: 60 degrees - Californians put their sweaters on. 50 degrees - Miami residents turn on the heat. 45 degrees - Vermont residents go to outdoor concert. 40 degrees - You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming. 35 degrees - Italian cars don't start. 32 degrees - Water freezes. 30 degrees - You plan your vacation in Australia. 25 degrees - Ohio water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming. 20 degrees - Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation farther south. 15 degrees - French cars don't start, cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you. 10 degrees - You need jumper cables to get the car going. 5 degrees - American cars don't start. 0 degrees - Alaskans put on T-shirts, Californians cease to exist. -10 degrees - German cars don't start, eyes freeze shut when you step outside. -15 degrees - You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist. -20 degrees - Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off of roof, Japanese cars don't start. -25 degrees - Too cold to think, you need jumper cables to get the driver going. -30 degrees - You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don't start. -40 degrees - Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweater, your car helps you plan your trip South. -50 degrees - Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window. -80 degrees - Polar bears move South, Green Bay Packer (and Buffalo Bills) fans order hot cocoa at the game. -90 degrees - Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets. -100 degrees - Hell freezes over, Clintoon finally tells all. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX An Anagram, as you know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to waste or is deadly at Scrabble. Dormitory Dirty Room Evangelist Evil's Agent Desperation A Rope Ends It The Morse Code Here Come Dots Slot Machines Cash Lost in 'em Animosity Is No Amity Mother-in-law Woman Hitler :) Snooze Alarms Alas! No More Z's Alec Guinness Genuine Class Semolina Is No Meal The Public Art Galleries Large Picture Halls, I Bet A Decimal Point I'm a Dot in Place The Earthquakes That Queer Shake Eleven plus two Twelve plus one Contradiction Accord not in it Princess Diana Ascend in Paris (freaky, right?) This one's truly amazing: "To be or not to be: that is the question, whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune." And the Anagram: "In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten." And for the grand finale: "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." - Neil Armstrong The Anagram: "Thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!" YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ more imponderables: Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? Whatever happened to preparations A through G? If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time." How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow? After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water? Do fish get cramps after eating? Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food? I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? Light travels faster than sound. Is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? How come abbreviated is such a long word? If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead? Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers? Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts? Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way? If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!! Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go? Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door? Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress? REALLY? Why is lemon juice contents mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of? Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it? Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Would Roman paramedics have referred to IV's as "4's"? What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?