AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Subject: Learn Chinese In 5 Minutes English phrase Chinese Interpretation -------------- ---------------------- Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding? See me A.S.A.P. Kum Hia Nao Stupid Man Dum Gai Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni Your price is too high! No Bai Dam Ting! Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan? I bumped into a coffee table. Ai Bang Mai Ni I think you need a facelift. Chin Tu Fat It's very dark in here. Wai So Dim? Has your flight been delayed? Hao Long Wei Ting? That was an unauthorized execution. Lin Ching I thought you were on a diet. Wai Yu Mun Ching? This is a tow away zone. No Pah King You KNOW the lyrics to the Macarena? Wai Yu Sing Dum Song? You are not very bright. Yu So Dum I got this for free. Ai No Pei I am not guilty. ...................................................... Wai Hang Mi? Please, stay a while longer. .................................Wai Go Nao? Our meeting is next week. ...................................Wai Yu Kum Nao They have arrived. .................................................. Hia Dei Kum Stay out of sight. ..................................................... Lei Lo He's cleaning his automobile. .............................Wa Shing Ka Your body odor is offensive. .................................Hu Man Go! Pew! Does this bathroom stink! ..........................Hu Flung Dung? BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB OK Someone knows of my distaste for all those phoney virus warnings ( but PLEASE don’t let that keep you from forwarding any you receive...when in doubt, the path of the Angels is best, although the Padres are a better team...) and thanks go to Jerry (The Artist) Schurr for this cutie! [ visit his website at http://jerryschurr.com/ ] ...........................................YOU have MAL....ummm....MAIL!................................ FROM: laocoon@doomgloom.edu TO: Trojan Army Listserv RE: WARNING!! BEWARE GREEKS BEARING GIFTS! Hey Hector, This was forwarded to me by Cassandra--it looks legit. Please distribute to Priam, Hecuba, and your 99 siblings. Thanks, Laocoon * * * WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your ENTIRE CITY! The "gift" is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall. It tends to show up outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned. DO NOT let it through the gates! It contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your women and children. If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach. FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW! Poseidon * * * FROM: hector@studmuffin.com TO: laocoon@doomgloom.edu RE: Greeks bearing gifts Laocoon, I hate to break to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there is. I've seen variants on this warning come through on other listservs, one involving some kind of fruit that was supposed to kill the people who ate it and one having to do with something called the "Midas Touch." Here are a few tipoffs that this is a hoax: 1) This "Forward this message to everyone you know" crap. If it were really meant as a warning about the Greek army, why tell anyone to post it to the Phonecians, Sumerians, and Cretans? 2) Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway. 3) It's signed "from Poseidon." Right away, that’s kina fishy. Granted he's had his problems with Odysseus but he's one of their guys, isn't he? Besides, the lack of a real header with a detailed address makes me suspicious. 4) Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to overwrite your entire city. A horse is just an animal, after all. Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I appreciate your concern, but once you've been around the block a couple times you'll realize how annoying this kind of stuff is. Bye now, Hector. * * * FROM: Daemon@listserv.doomgloom.edu TO: hector@studmuffin.com RE: Undeliverable mail The following message had permanent fatal errors. Please check the email address (or check to see that your intended recipient has not been swallowed up by a large sea serpent). FROM: hector@studmuffin.com TO: laocoon@doomgloom.edu RE: Greeks bearing gifts CCCCCCCCCCCCCC "Don't You Hate it When..." You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them. The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle. The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on. There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address. You open a can of soup, and the lid falls in. It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug. There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING. You can never put anything back in a box the way it came. Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth. You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette. You slice your tongue licking an envelope. Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading. A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away. There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray. You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint. The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing. A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling. You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am. The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song. You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out. People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up. Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire. You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it. You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing. You had that pen in your hand only a second ago, and now you can't find it. You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up. DDDDDDDDDDDDDD "Natural Laws?" "The Law of Volunteering" If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead. "The Law of Avoiding Oversell" When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse. "The Law of Common Sense" Never accept a drink from a urologist. "The Law of Reality" Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose. "The Law of Self Sacrifice" When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last. "The Law of Motivation" Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster. "Boob's Law" You always find something in the last place you look. "Weiler's Law" Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. "Law of Probable Dispersal" Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. "Law of Volunteer Labor" People are always available for work in the past tense. "Conway's Law" In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on. That person MUST be fired. "Iron Law of Distribution" Them that has, gets. "Law of Cybernetic Entomology" There is always one more bug. "Law of Drunkedness" You can't fall off the floor. "Heller's Law" The first myth of management is that it exists. "Osborne's Law" Variables won't; constants aren't. "Main's Law" For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. "Weinberg's Second Law" If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE from munilessor@aol.com .... damn, dood, you finally came up with one that was funny! There were two nude statues, man and woman, standing across from each other in a secluded park. A few hundred years after they've been put in place, an angel fluttered down to them. A wave of his hand, and suddenly the statues had been given flesh, and they stepped down from their pedestals. The angel said, "I have been sent to grant the mutual request you both have made after hundreds of years of standing across from each other, unable to move. But be quick - you only have fifteen minutes until you must become statues again." The man looked at the woman, and they both flushed, giggled, and ran off into some underbrush. An intense rustling came from the bushes, and seven minutes later, they both come back to the angel, obviously satisfied. The angel smiles at the couple. "That was only seven minutes - why not go back and do it again?" The former statues looked at each other for a minute, and then the woman said, "Why not? But let's reverse it this time - you hold down the pigeon, and I'll shit on it...." FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF Now think about this . . . . these are the women that our daughters wish to emulate! What a scary thought! Challenges can seem almost insurmountable at times. And things appear to be getting not only harder, but weirder as well. One seeks inspiration and turns to the Bible, the Koran, the Bhagavad Gita, the Tao Te Ching, the Torah. But sometimes they're not enough. That's when you need . . . T h e W i s d o m o f S u p e r m o d e l s ON COURAGE "They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, 'Oh, my God, I have to be so brave.' See, every woman hates herself from behind." -Cindy Crawford ON POVERTY "Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery." -Beverly Johnson ON FATE "I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that." -Christie Brinkley ON SELF-ESTEEM "I loved making 'Rising Sun.' I got into the psychology of why she liked to get strangled and tied up in plastic bags. It has to do with low self-worth." -Tatjana Patitz ON ARRIVING "Because modeling is lucrative, I'm able to save up and be more particular about the acting roles I take." - Kathy Ireland, star of 'Alien From L.A.' and 'Danger Island' ON PRIORITIES "I would rather exercise than read a newspaper." -Kim Alexis ON INNER STRENGTH "I love the confidence that makeup gives me." -Tyra Banks ON TRAVEL "I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven't seen anything. I don't really care." -Tyra Banks ON BREAKTHROUGHS "Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in volleyball and modeling." - Gabrielle Reece ON HEREDITY "My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him, 'What if she's ugly? You're ugly.'" - Beverly Johnson ON THE BASICS "It's very important to have the right clothing to exercise in. If you throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it's not inspiring for your workout." -Cheryl Tiegs ON PARADOX "Sometimes I get lonely, but it's nice to be alone." - Tatjana Patitz ON TRAGEDY "The worst was when my skirt fell down to my ankles, but I had on thick tights underneath." - Naomi Campbell ON INSTINCT "If I'm making a movie and get hungry, I call time-out and eat some crackers." - Carol Alt ON OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS "I tried on 250 bathing suits in one afternoon and ended up having little scabs up and down my thighs, probably from some of those with sequins all over them." - Cindy Crawford ON ECONOMICS "I don't wake up for less than $10,000 a day." - Linda Evangelista ON THINKING "When I model I pretty much go blank. You can't think too much or it doesn't work." - Paulina Porizkova ON DEPRIVATION "If they had Nautilus on the Concorde, I would work out all the time." - Linda Evangelista ON MOTIVATION "It was kind of boring for me to have to eat. I would know that I had to, and I would." - Kate Moss ON VERSATILITY "I can do anything you want me to do so long as I don't have to speak." - Linda Evangelista ON THE GRIEF PROCESS "When my Azzedine jacket from 1987 died, I wrapped it up in a box, attached a note saying where it came from and took it to the Salvation Army. It was a big loss." - Veronica Webb GGGGGGGGGGGGGGG Gotta br Carlin, Right? No? DENNIS MILLER? NO SHIT? Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas people communicate with it. Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language. CONSIDER THIS: You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away. People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded, and shit over. Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola or applebutter. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, dog shit and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can take a shit, give a shit, or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose. This is why so many people say "shit happens". Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation! So I guess it's got to be true -- once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else! Now ain’t THAT some shit?? HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH LOOK OUT FOR THESE VIRUSES !!! Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did. Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored. Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte. Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 300MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to100MB, then slowly expands to 200MB. Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus: Deletes all old files. Ellen Degeneres virus: Disks can no longer be inserted. Titanic virus (a strain of Lewinski virus): Your whole computer goes down. Disney virus: Everything in your computer goes Goofy. Prozac virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care. Joey Buttafuoco virus: Only attacks minor files. Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates some files, leaves, but it'll be back. Lorena Bobbit virus: reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy then discards through windows. Viagra virus: makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy. Clinton virus: gives you a 7" hard drive with no memory. IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII "Sexercise" A rather chubby fellow was reading the paper one-day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a "guaranteed" weight loss program. "Guaranteed my ass" he thinks to himself. "But let's see what they think they can do. He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 pound weight loss program. The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike's and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Well without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through, he thinks to himself with a nod, "I like the way this company does business." For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself, and sure enough he has lost 10 pounds. Deciding that he likes his somewhat slender physique, not to mention the method of "treatment", he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 pound weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their "workout" schedule might be like this time. As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22-year-old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reebok's and a sign around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads "If you can catch me, you can have me." He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does it is worth every cramp and wheeze. He is really looking forward to the next four days.... For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievable, he has lost another 20 pounds. "I love this company," he thinks to himself, I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun!" Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program. "Are you sure, sir?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," says he, "I love your program. I haven't felt good in years!" The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it. There stands before him a 200-pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. The sign reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine!" JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ The last few weeks have seen many mergers,and anticipating them could mean excellent market gains.Here are some likely mergers to expect in the future: Xerox and Wurlitzer: They're going to make reproductive organs. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers: New company will be called Fairwell Honeychild. Polygram Records,Warner Brothers and Keebler: New company will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker. W.R.Grace Co.,Fuller Brush Co.,Mary Kay Cosmetics,and Hale Business Systems: New company will be called Hale Mary Fuller Grace. Michelin Manufacturing & Goodyear: mmGood John Deere & Abitibi-Price: Deere Abi Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil: Honey, I'm Home Denison Mines, Alliance, and Metal Mining: Mine, All Mine 3M, J.C. Penney, Metropolitan Opera Company: 3 Penney Opera Grey Poupon & Dockers: Poupon Pants Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women: Knott NOW! Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, Dakota Mining: Zip Audi Do-Da Netscape & Yahoo: Net 'n' Yahoo (to be based in Israel and Jenkintown, PA.) KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK A man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. "This is $200," she says. "I want one that's more sheer," says he. "This one is $350." "I want it even more sheer than that." "This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500." "I'll take it!" The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me." His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "this thing is so see through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not." So his wife comes down, wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose. "So, how do you like it?" she asks. "Damn, you'd think for $500, they'd at least iron the thing." LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL Christmas and Chanukah Subject: Latest News Release Continuing the current trend of large scale mergers and acquisitions back towards turn-of-the-century monopolies, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire. While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high quality service during the Fifteen Days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this development except for Santa's dentist. A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy, Come All Ye Faithful." MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM My foivorite golf joke! One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The golfer says, "I can't take anything from you! I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life." Well, a year goes past and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time." "I did that for you," responds the leprechaun. "And might I ask how your money is holding out?" "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note," he replied. The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how is your sex life is?" Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." Floored, the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?" The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish." NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his pain. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted; and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside, beginning to massage him. "Does that feel better?" she asked. "It feels great," he replied. "But my thumb still hurts like hell!!" OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO > Starkle, starkle, little twink, > Who the hell are you I think. > I'm not under what you call > The alcofluence of incohol. > I'm just a little slort of sheep, > I'm not drunk like thinkle peep. > I don't know who is me yet, > But the drunker I stand here the longer I get. > So just give me one more fink to drill my cup, > 'Cause I got all day sober to Sunday up. QQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQQ RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR 1. An Irish Tale --------------------------------------------------------------------- An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers. Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?" "Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond." The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink. Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening: he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers. The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all..." The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I've decided to give up drinking for Lent." SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS 2. Facts of Marriage (Part 2 of 2) --------------------------------------------------------------------- The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. - - - - - - - - - - - First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." - - - - - - - - - - - How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free. - - - - - - - - - - - Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. - - - - - - - - - - - If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. - - - - - - - - - - - Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late." - - - - - - - - - - - A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying." TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here", says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole. It says here that he was 95 when he died." Just then, Shamus yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy. Shamus lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin." UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU Mass for a Dog --------------------------------------------------------------------- A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with a pet dog he doted on. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, the dog is dead. Could you please say a mass for the creature?" Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal." Muldoon said "I'll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for their services?" Father Patrick asked, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?" VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV. Criminal Sign --------------------------------------------------------------------- Joe was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked him if he had anything to say in his defense. "They should not put up such misleading notices", said Joe. "It said, FINE FOR PARKING HERE." WWWWWWWWWWWWW Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighbourhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a footrace down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped immediately and asked her what was wrong. Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I saw two gasmen running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!" XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX http://teamhouse.tni.net/mil2000.htm y2k joke http://www.jesusdance.com/ terminally wierd YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY Hillary went into a pet shop and found a beautiful, colorful parrot. "Does this parrot talk?" she asked. "Yes, he does," the manager told her. "But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?" she asked. "Well, ma'am," the manager told her, "not everyone would want to own this parrot. He spent many years in a whore house and his language is terrible." "Well, I want him," she said. "Suit yourself," the manager shrugged. When she got the parrot back to the White House, she uncovered his cage and admired the colorful bird. The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her straight in the eye and said, "New house, new madam." Hilary laughed. Soon Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird. "New house, new whores," the parrot observed. At first they were offended, but when Hilary explained about the bird's history, they too, laughed at him. A few minutes later the President entered the living quarters. The parrot looked up from his feeder and said "Hi Bill". ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Subject: clinton joke President Bill Clinton was visiting an elementary school today and when he visited a class in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "Tragedy." So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that would be a tragedy." "No," says Clinton, "that would be an accident." A little girl raises her hand. "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call GREAT LOSS." The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Clinton searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy. "Fantastic," exclaims Clinton, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss.