AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA A man is going down the road, and gets pulled over by a highway patrolman.When he gets up to the car, he tells him that he was speeding.The man is shocked, but not startled by being pulled over because he is always speeding. While the highway patrolman is standing there, he sees that the man has 9 huge knives in the back seat. He asks him what they are for, and the man tells him that they are for his act, and that he is a juggler. The partolman does not believe him, and tells him to prove it. So the man gets out of the car, and starts to juggle the knives. At the same time, two other men are driving by and witness the first two on the side of the road. One of the men looks to the other and says, “Man, I sure am glad I quit drinking, those sobriety tests these days are rough!” (must be a man joke.) BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB From: Kristen Gilkeson Subject: Mutant Marsupials Take Up Arms Against Australian Air Force The reuse of some object-oriented code has caused tactical headaches for Australia's armed forces. As virtual reality simulators assume larger roles in helicopter combat training, programmers have gone to great lengths to increase the realism of their scenarios, including detailed landscapes and - in the case of the Northern Territory's Operation Phoenix- herds of kangaroos (since disturbed animals might well give away a helicopter's position). The head of the Defense Science & Technology Organization's Land Operations/Simulation division reportedly instructed developers to model the local marsupials' movements and reactions to helicopters. Being efficient programmers, they just re-appropriated some code originally used to model infantry detachment reactions under the same stimuli, changed the mapped icon from a soldier to a kangaroo, and increased the figures' speed of movement. Eager to demonstrate their flying skills for some visiting American pilots, the hotshot Aussies "buzzed" the virtual kangaroos in low flight during a simulation. The kangaroos scattered, as predicted, and the visiting Americans nodded appreciatively... then did a double-take as the kangaroos reappeared from behind a hill and launched a barrage of Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter. (Apparently the programmers had forgotten to remove that part of the infantry coding.) The lesson? Objects are defined with certain attributes, and any new object defined in terms of an old one inherits all the attributes. The embarrassed programmers had learned to be careful when reusing object-oriented code, and the Yanks left with a new-found respect for Australian wildlife. Simulator supervisors report that pilots from that point onward have>strictly avoided kangaroos, just as they were meant to. From June 15, 1999 Defense Science and Technology Organisation Lecture Series, Melbourne, Australia, and staff reports ... (There used to be a saying...” It’s a wierd mob down there, entirely!”... too too true!) CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC From Lisa Vostreys of The Atlanta Vostreys...”hiah, y’all!” Bizarre News (some should be candidates for the Darwin Awards!) ---------------He Was A Jolly Good Felloow--------------- STAFFORD, England - Coworkers wanted to do something special for Louie Holiman on his 50th birthday, so they threw him a party. They hired an exotic dancer to pop out of a cake. Louie got the shock of his life when his daughter popped out of the cake in the buff. She apparently did not know her father was the "jolly good fellow." The shock proved too much for the birthday boy and he dropped dead from a heart attack. -------------- Beer, Breakfast Of Champiions? --------------- Two young Hamilton, Ohio boys were rescued this week after being trapped in a closed boxcar at a rail yard near the Miller Brewing Company. With no food or water, John Riley and Billy Grimes survived for eight days on beer. ------------------ I Remember How To Suee ------------------- DENVER - A woman who said she lost her memory on the Mind Eraser roller coaster two years ago is suing the amusement park. ---------- Another Victory For California Police ----------- Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting pleas to come out and give himself up. ------------------ Now That's A Rich Dieet ------------------ BEIJING, China - Farmer Li Yunzhong struck it rich when he was eating his chicken dinner. While eating, a 1.2 carat diamond was found inside the chicken. Li eventually sold the diamond to the government for more than three times his normal annual income. How the diamond got inside the chicken is anybody's guess. -------------- Should Have Stayed At Harrvard --------------- Vassar College - A male student dropped charges against his one time girlfriend after consulting with his lawyer. Apparently he admitted to authorities that he slipped a date rape drug into his girl's drink and mistakenly drank from the spiked drink himself. In a bit of karmic justice, the girl took him back to her room and sodomized him with a "strap-on utensil." --------------- You Have A Bug Up Your WWhat? --------------- A federal judge in Worchester, MA has ordered the government to tell a reputed mobster if it bugged his butt. The lawyer for racketeering defendant Vincent Marino says his client claims a DEA agent asked him to sign a form so the tracking device could be removed. The agent reportedly had told Marino the device was implanted in his buttocks during surgery to remove a bullet. ----------------- Brother Against Brotheer ------------------ SAO PAULO, Brazil - What do you do if you are a Siamese twin and your better half really gets on your nerves? Don't try what the late Marco de Solisa did to his late brother Roberto. After a heated argument, Marco pulled out a revolver and shot his brother in the head. They shared portions of the same circulatory system and when Roberto died, Marco soon followed. --------- Marriage Counselor Lends a Hellping Hand ---------- PRETORIA, South Africa - The psychology profession was rocked after renowned marriage counselor, Dr. Cedric Wayne crossed over the edge while treating a bickering couple. The husband, fed up with his wife's unrelenting verbal assault began slapping her. Dr. Wayne, instead of intervening to stop the assault leapt out of his chair and charged across the room and proceeded to beat the stunned wife as well. "She's the most annoying woman I've ever been around. No husband should be subjected to nagging like that... that woman's mouth was driving me crazy," said Dr. Wayne. ----------- Gunman Says Sorry, He Had Wrrong Guy ------------ HAGERSTOWN, Md. - Volunteer firefighter Andrew Ebner was heading home from battling a late-night blaze when a shotgun blast hit the tailgate of his borrowed pickup truck. Ebner sped up but so did the truck on his tail. Boom! Boom! Two more blasts. Glass showered the cab from the shattered rear window. Finally, Ebner stopped the truck along the country road. That's when the shooter realized he had the wrong guy. Kenneth Ramsburg apologized, offered to pay for the damage and gave Ebner his business card. Then, police say, he drove 10 miles to a liquor store parking lot, where he found his intended victim and shot him in the leg. --------------------------------------------------------- DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX: 1. You can GET chocolate. 2. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft. 3. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving. 4. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to. 5. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother. 6. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind. 7. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names. 8. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate. 9. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers. (Or risking the wrath of the Congress!) 10. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped. 11. With chocolate there's no need to fake it. 12. Chocolate won't make you pregnant. 13. You can have chocolate at any time of the month. 14. Good chocolate is easy to find. 15. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle. 16. You are never too young or too old for chocolate. 17. When you have chocolate, it does not keep your neighbors awake. 18. With chocolate, size doesn't matter. (But, more IS better!) 19. You can have chocolate with parents, siblings or children and NOT be from Arkansas! 20. Chocolate does not require prophylactic precautions. 21. Chocolate is the most fun you can have, with or without your clothes on. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE More one-liners The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol content. I live in my own little world, but it's OK, they know me here. "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,'Thyroid problem?'" "I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast." Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. "I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner." The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and its. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys. "Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive." Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked. Welcome To Shit Creek ~ Sorry, We're Out of Paddles! "How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?" Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well? How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool? Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked? "Old" is when the porn movie you bring home is "Debby Does Dialysis." The next time you feel like complaining remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor. A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what? A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage. DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government. CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows. BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain. AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead. A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves. AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch. A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. A MEXICAN CORPORATION: You think you have two cows, but you don't know what a cow looks like. You take a nap. A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others. A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy. AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them. A JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide. A BRITISH CORPORATION You have two cows. Both are mad. A CHINESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers. AN ISRAELI CORPORATION So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people? AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute... GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG A 1st grade teacher gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders, but there are some great ones nonetheless and their insight may surprise you. Better to be safe than...............punch a 5th grader. Strike while the.......................bug is close. It's always darkest before.........Daylight Savings Time. Never underestimate the power of...............termites. You can lead a horse to water but.................how? Don't bite the hand that.........................looks dirty. No news is......................impossible. A miss is as good as a.....................Mr. You can't teach an old dog new...............math. If you lie down with dogs, you'll...............stink in the morning. Love all, trust.....................me. The pen is mightier than the..................pigs. An idle mind is........................the best way to relax. Where there's smoke there's.................pollution. Happy the bride who....................gets all the presents. A penny saved is..........................not much. Two's company, three's................the musketeers. Don't put off till tomorrow what..........you put on to go to bed. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and........you have to blow your nose. There are none so blind as.................Stevie Wonder. Children should be seen and not..........spanked or grounded. If at first you don't succeed..................get new batteries. You get out of something only what you...........see in the picture onthe box. When the blind leadeth the blind.............get out of the way. And the favorite: Better late than .....................pregnant. HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH the Oaths of the Military All persons, upon entering the Military Service and upon reenlistment are required to take the Oath of Enlistment. At one time the Oath of Enlistment was the same for all services. Due to changes in both society and the differing Military Branches, the Oath has undergone marked change and has been specifically tailored to each branch of the Military and their function. Here are the latest versions of the Oath of Enlistment as recently released by the Joint Chief's of Staff: US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me and I am afraid of water over waist deep. I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid formof exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of "Basic Training" I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. So Help Me God! _______________ Signature ____________________ Date US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT I, Rambo, swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blo using straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine bec ause my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a Court-martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my Sexual.....er....I mean "Basic Training," I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times I will continue to take her back. While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So Help Me God! _____________________ Signature _____________________ Date US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, gee dunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So Help Me Neptune! ______________________ Signature ______________________ Date US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT I, (have someone recite your name for you), swear..uhhhh....high-and-tight.... grunt... cammies.... ugh...Air Force women....OORAH! So Help Me CORPS! X____________________ Thumb Print _____________________ Date IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII Subject: Why it's important to pay your bills! Sir Michael the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Haratio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. The Royal Physician, Horatius, exclaimed that he could arrange for Sir Michael the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold livre (pounds) to arrange it. Without pause, Sir Michael the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to have The Royal Physician, Horatius, arrange it and that he would gladly pay the 1,000 gold livre (pounds) for the chance to satisfy his desires for the Queen. The next day, The Royal Physician, Horatius, made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's massive brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, The Royal Physician, Horatius, informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Sir Michael the Dragon Slayer had present the antidote to cure the itch. King Arthur quickly summoned Sir Michael the Dragon Slayer. The Royal Physician, Horatius, then slipped Sir Michael the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put it into his mouth, and for the next four hours, worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Sir Michael the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and as a hero. Upon returning to his chamber, Sir Michael the Dragon Slayer found The Royal Physician, Horatius, demanding his payment of 1,000 gold livre (pounds) .With his obsession now satisfied, Sir Michael the Dragon Slayercould have cared less, and -- knowing that The Royal Physician, Horatius, could never report this matter to the King --shooed him away with no payment made. The next day, The Royal Physician, Horatius, slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into King Arthur's loincloth. King Arthur quickly summoned Sir Michael the Dragon Slayer... MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your bills